Looking for love in all the right places.

Want more romance? Want more sex? There seems to be some kind of LINK between the two. IME. Ahmmm, cough. Just sayin'.

I think I’ve got sex on the brain.  My husband – the other half of our couple who makes you want to puke – is in India for two weeks.  So I certainly don’t have sex on the bed or the sofa or the kitchen counter right now.  None at all.

Maybe that’s why this week of all weeks I issued a challenge to my friend Nan at Little Black Dress Diaries: a 30-day couples intimacy challenge.  Now, I understand this subject is somewhat taboo.  Fear not.  I’m not about to start sharing anything more intimate than I normally do on this blog.  I believe in the “closed bedroom door” approach to writing about sex.  But I do want to share with you all the concept and opportunity of our 30-day challenge.

First, let me tell you about Nan.  She’s one half of a couple that makes you want to puke, too.  On her blog, you’ll hear a lot about her fabulous Alpha Hubby.  She and I have a half-serious chick fight going on about whose relationship is more awesome.  Somehow, our debate led to (yep) sex, and its importance in a truly Hallmark-card connected sort of relationship.  Neither of us is a spring chicken, mind you.  We met in an “Over 40” writers’ group.  That just means we’ve had more years than the flat-bellied tight-assed twenty-somethings to get smart about this whole relationship thing.

So I shared with her the idea I had seen last January about a 30-day commitment to sexual intimacy.  A journalist and her husband took the plunge and reported back the surprising physical health benefits they experienced.  The journalist said it even helped her PMS.  OK, sign me the hell up for this program.  I’m PMS’ing right now, which means I’m fantasizing about killing with my bare hands the AT&T Uverse rep who just patronized me on the phone about their crappy service, eating my way through a dozen Cinnabons I bought “for the kids” as a “surprise” (yeah, right), and runny-snot sobbing about all of it.

Oops.  I digress.

Yeah, yeah, health benefits.  Lower stress, sleep better, and much more.  Read the article: hint hint => click.

What I want is the so-good-it-should-be-illegal thrill that only a sizzling hawt relationship can give you.  I crave to press noses together while we talk for hours in the afterglow.  I yearn for that “I just can’t tear my eyes away from you” feeling.

And I’ve already got that.  But it doesn’t stay that way by accident.  We work at it. It’s fun work, sure, but it is a conscious effort to make time for each other and honor each other’s needs.

That’s where the challenge comes in.  And I’m issuing that challenge to YOU (don’t look behind you like I’m talking to some stalker in your office, Y-O-U, the one who just complained — loudly — about your partner over lunch at Corner Bakery yesterday, yeah, you).

The Deets:  For the next 30 days, every single day, make time for and engage in some kind of physical intimacy with your sweetie.  You may not jump under the sheets every day, but there’s a whole world of fun you can engage in.  Hold hands, Eskimo kiss, gaze into each other’s eyes, etcetera.  And you can’t keep this plan a secret.  You have to ask your partner to participate and commit with you.  You’re going to see more posts from me on this, sharing feedback from others that are participating, feedback on how this impacts their relationships.  I’d appreciate your comments, or you could email me (pamelafhutchins@aim.com) and we could keep your input anonymous.

Eric and I started yesterday.  Did I mention he’s in India?  So our sexual intimacy required more…imagination…and technology.  I started off by texting him.

“I love you.  You’ll be home in four days.  Woo hoo!”

Except my iPhone decided that what I really meant to say to my husband, who has kinda been freaking out about not exercising for two weeks, was “woo HIPPO.”  Oops.  Not a great start.

I followed up with pictures via email.  Note: be extra careful typing in that email address when sending your love over email.  I got some great responses back; Thank God they were from him.

*If you think I’m going to share any of these pictures on this blog, you are on CRACK, by the way*

{OK, just one}

I tried to take a picture of my heart, but I lacked an x-ray machine. I think he got the message, though.

I entitled the series, “Parts of me that miss you”.  Ahhhh, isn’t that sweet?  Anything more here would be T.M.I., so suffice it to say this went better than “woo HIPPO,” and let’s move on.  [I’m now picturing dirty old men all over the world trying to hack our email accounts.  Knock yourself out.  They ain’t THAT sexy.]

I had prepared for my long distance seduction carefully before he left.  I knew he would work 15-hour days in 105-degree heat, so he would not have much left in his tank when he returned to his room at night.  I stashed cards for each day of his absence into his suitcase, into which I wrote intimate messages and tucked gifts of varying degrees of suggestiveness and sensuality: a cologne sample tube, a SKOR candy bar, cheap silky boxers .  And I bought them at the dollar store, because that’s the kind of girl I am.

I showered, lotioned, perfumed, did my hair and makeup and donned his favorite outfit/nightie.  *Rawr*  I was ready.  We initiated a skype connection.  He opened his card.  He appreciated my efforts and attire.  A lot.

And then he fell asleep in front of the computer.

But not until we had connected, truly felt the zing of the golden thread that shot out from Houston across the shortest possible distance to Jamnagar and tied our hearts together.

“Show me your hand,” Eric said.

I lifted it in front of the camera.

“Now, put your palm on the screen.”

I did.

He then lifted his hand in front of his camera and placed his own palm on the screen in India.  We couldn’t see each other’s hands anymore because they were outside of the camera lens, but I swear I could feel his.  And my tears?  He could see those.

Distance – not an excuse.  Inability to “consummate?”  Doesn’t matter.  Connecting on a personal level in a way that shows the other in no uncertain terms how much you want them?  Score.

So, 30 days to laugh, talk, cry, and, yes, have “sex” .  Are you in on the challenge?  Comment with a yes or no, if you dare.

Put me down as “yes”.

Here are links to other sites with their (rated PG) blogs on Day 1 — If you blog on the 30-Day Challenge, link to my post (this one), and when I see your linkback, I’ll add your blog post’s link to this list:




To submit your story for publication on Road to Joy’s weekly wrap-up of the 30-day challenge: SUBMISSIONS.


p.s.  Go check out Nan’s blog where she issues the 30 day couples intimacy challenge to her readers.  I’d be happy to link to any of your blogs as well, if you post on the 30-day challenge.  Just send me the links.

p.p.s.  Remember, small people sometimes wander onto this site.  I accept all comments except those with overly explicit content.  And I don’t want to know the details of your beloved’s equipment, anyway, by comment or email.  I’m focusing on relationship impacts.

p.p.p.s. If you tweet about this, use #30days.

p.p.p.p.s.   I know you’re just dying to read more about how we keep it hot around our house.  Mostly it’s in the little gestures – think of it as continuous foreplay.  Here’s a few posts on the topic:

Couples that make you want to puke.

Love Don’t Cost a Thing

Happiness is Love of Eric in My Rearview Mirror

Getting Our Groove On

Captain Underpants

43 Responses to “Looking for love in all the right places.”
  1. Were you listening in on my conversation the other day at Corner Bakery?? Just curious.

    • Pamela says:

      I knew that was you 😉 !

      What’s funny (to me) is that earlier today, after I’d written this, someone tweeted about “would the women in panera talking about not having sex with their husbands please keep it down???”

  2. Pamela says:

    I’m keeping a tally of people that tell me privately “we’re in”.

    We already had 10 going into tonight. I’ve had four more on twitter in the last hour. My expectation is that most people that read this won’t say a word to me about what they will be inspired to do.

    But if even one of you shows more affection to your beloved because you read this post, I get a pair of angel wings….or maybe not angel wings, but a discreet little halo.

  3. LBDDiaries says:

    This post was brilliant. I don’t say that ’cause we’re linked – it really is good. It says it just right. My favorite line – Connecting on a personal level in a way that shows the other in no uncertain terms how much you want them? Score. So many women do NOT know or believe that it is important to a man. You said it to me before – men need to know YOU desire them. Alpha Hubby says I give him everything he needs – I’d never have known what that was without the intimacy of TALKING to find out. I look forward to hearing other people’s changes, ideas, and thoughts. I’m glad we started this together – thanks!

    • Pamela says:

      I can tell you for sure, that from talking to Eric, the 3 most important thing to my husband are to know that I truly adore him, that I believe in him (that I have faith and trust in him, that I feel secure, that he takes care of my heart, and, if i needed him to, that he could also take care of me), and that I want him, and yep I do mean that in the s.e.x. sense. Not that I sometimes go along with the program if there is no way out of it, but that I think he is a strong, masculine, attractive, MAN that I want to be with him and am, with enough frequency and enthusiasm that he never forgets it. I honor him (and our wonderful relationship) by showing him these three things. What’s in it for me? Oh, just the kind of relationship that most people long for and never find (not everybody — people are different — but there’s a reason books, movies, poems, songs, and 🙂 hallmark cards are written about this stuff).

      While Eric is one in a million, i don’t think he is unique. I think many men want these things out of relationship. Wow, this comment was as long as my post.

      • LBDDiaries says:

        Oh I agree since Leland is also one in a million. Must be a separate group of million! You said it again – you have an amazing way with perfect words – “What’s in it for me?” I get gag people. I get to hear, “Man, I wish I had what you have” – of course, like you said once, they have to be willing to put i the same work I have. A man loves coming home every night when he is met at the door with unconditional love (literally or figuratively). This challenge ROCKS!

      • Eric says:

        I am lucky and I know it, Grateful and I’ll show it.

        And I know this is not the poem Blog!

  4. ryoko861 says:

    If I can keep my husband from falling asleep long enough, it might work.

  5. Pamela says:

    Irene, have you tried a cattle prod?

  6. I’m in! You’ve probably already got all of my contact info…I think that this is just what the “dr” ordered – especially right now after recently having a baby. I know that my hubby needs to know that I’m still “interested” even after all these changes have happened in our lives. it will be tough…don’t get me wrong, there are MANY nights of being up during the wee hours still because I’m not blessed with children that sleep through the night…but this more than ANYTHING is worth it!


  7. Susie says:

    I may be the old grandmother in this group but I’m in.

  8. Let’s just say that my husband, The Toaster Oven, would be less than enthusiastic about this challenge.

    • Pamela says:

      I’m seeing a relation to your blog name possibly here…. :),,,?? Here’s hoping that the two of you have things the way y’all want — b/c different strokes for different folks. Someone DM’ed me last night on Twitter about this. But it turned out she wanted it (intimacy) and he didn’t. Which was a bummer. Thanks for commenting/visiting!

  9. Charisse says:

    My fiance and I will be joiining you on this epic intimacy journey. I heard wind of it from the ever amazing Nan. I have written a short blog and referenced back to your blog about this 30 days of intimacy.

  10. susiekline says:

    ooo Great idea. I think I might take you up on this. But (and don’t puke) but Jim and I pretty much connect intimately every day. No, not sex! sheesh But the phone calls, the I love yous, the kisses. Maybe we could kick it up a notch!

    xo Susie

    ps I never turn down a challenge!

    • Pamela says:

      I love it! I saw a couple at the airport today — I overheard her saying he had been gone a month. He came in and hugged their 2 small kids but didn’t touch each other. Ugh. I love hearing y’all are so connected. It awesome.

  11. Daria says:

    Ooh, this sounds great! I have to talk to hubby to see if he’s up for it, but I want to join the challenge too!

  12. Smashing article! Sorry it took me so long to get over here! I loved loved loved putting your hands on the computer. I got a little teary eyed. What a great way to start things out! Can’t wait to hear more!

    • Pamela says:

      Maegan, would you believe he is home but sick as a dog? But there is something incredibly intimate about the trust inherent in letting yourself be vulnerable enough to really be taken care of. When we were first together, he couldn’t do it. Now he’s putty in my hands.

  13. Eric Hutchins says:

    A. Fortunately I didn’t FEEL sick till late the first night
    B. Fortunately it does not SEEM contagious.
    C. Fortunately Pamela is very good at take care of me
    D. Fortunately I am feeling much better today.

    • Pamela says:

      If you make it through today without an utter physical collapse, it will be a miracle, and I mean that with love and concern. I can’t believe you are at work, crazy man. And you’re funny/cute 🙂

  14. Anayah says:

    It’s so easy to get caught up in the major elements of life that keep using edge or otherwise occupied – jobs, children, other commitments – that prioritizing intimacy is really necessary. I find thy when we do as a couple, we feel better and get along like newlyweds. I love this challenge!

  15. Love it. Been crazy busy and not able to post on this yet but I will be catching up! Hunk is gone hunting out of state. He left yesterday adn I miss him already…… I cant’ tell you how many times I have to stop and ask what I ever did to deserve a husband who treats me as good as he does….. We’ve been married for going on 22 years and it just seems to get better……This 30 day challenge is great though…..always have to keep REMEMBERING to keep things tuned up….We have so much love for each ohter but I do lack in the intamacy from time to time…….sighhhhhh…… workin’ on it! Thanks for the challenge…… Great idea.

    • Pamela says:

      You can see the love in the pictures on your blog. You seem very blessed in each other. Thanks for stopping by. I’m glad you guys are taking some time to remember what makes you special and lucky!!

      • Awwwwwwwwww…… thank you! You know it’s funny over the years I’ve had so many friends comment to me that when they are around us they can see the love Hunk has for me. They always say “You are so lucky. You can see your husband loves you so much”…… funny how we don’t always notice and it can be taken for granted….I try hard not to do that. I’m so blessed. You can see the love with you and your hubby jumping off the page as you read your blog….. Love it!

  16. Anne says:

    Don’t have the time for a 30-day challenge and it would be way too hokey to ask my husband to do something like that with me besides which…don’t need it.

    We already know we don’t have as much sex as we want to (like…we’d have it almost every day but he works 70 to 80 hours a week and we have four kids and I home-school and…well, never mind).

    Again, the don’t need it part: because we already talk about it, think about it, and yes we send erotic e-mails back and forth on a regular basis. I don’t do pictures though because I KNOW, I mean I just KNOW they would somehow get seen by my mom or or one of his clients or something. I mean seriously you know how easy it is to mistakenly hit “send.” Yeah, I think you do. So…no pictures. But kudos to you for being so brave.

    And by the way, we’ll be celebrating 29 years soon. For some reason I have almost all the horrendous symptoms of peri-menopause (started on bio-identicals recently for it) but the one symptom I don’t have is less of a libido…hallelujah! If anything the last few years my horny meter has risen drastically. One trick I learned is not to make sex all about this meaningful emotional experience. As women we do that way too much. We say we need to “feel connected” to have sex. Why? Men don’t. So then we put all these expectations on sex and “the moment” and our husbands have to jump through all these hoops in order to get any. So I focus on the wanting to get crazy all the time and guess what, it works. I now want to get crazy all the time. Works for my husband, works for me. Win/win.

    • Pamela says:

      OK, your last paragraph:
      1. bioidentical hormones are saving my life 🙂
      2. YES YES YES. The email discussion offline about this has sometimes gotten a bit more “just do it, dammit” — I believe in this 1000% percent. The slant of the blogging became trying to coax others along for the benefit, but the original two bloggers (lbddiaries.com & me) have an approach a lot like yours.
      3. The pictures terrify me, and they are not even sexy by the standards of today, but when he is gone for weeks or a month, they make him feel wanted.

      When we “started” the 30-day challenge, Eric was like, uh ok, but we already DO this. I said I know honey, but we’re going to get credit for it and see if it helps break people out of a rut, especially all these people who tell me wow I wish our relationship was as good as yours etc.

      I’m enjoying your direct straightforward style. Just caught your “funny how” blog this morning.

      • Anne says:

        Thanks for the comment on my post at my site! Yes, I tend to be very straightforward…makes me tremble a little sometimes to hit “publish” but it is who I am and I figure I have paid my dues to be able to be who I am (if you want to know more about that you can read this):


        and that post only tells a portion of the trauma I’ve experienced in my life. My 26-year old daughter gets a kick out of my observations of life and it’s nice having someone around who appreciates my humor and take on life (she is a doll and my best friend).

        The jury is out on the bio-identicals but I have been suffering for at least three years with really awful symptoms and I’ve only been on the bio-identicals for about a month. I intend to stick with it and I have a great doctor I am working with.

        And yes the “just do it” plan is so much more fun. My decision to free our sex life from a bunch of expectations has made me WANT to do it so much more. It’s funny how the one thing leads to another.

        • Pamela says:

          I’m going to blog soon on the bioidenticals. I’ve been on them for 3 years. It’s not perfect, but I no longer feel like I’m being poisoned and dying of tiredness and am losing my mind and hurt in every cell of my body. If you want to tell me more of your story, I’d love to hear how it is going and incorporate other people’s experiences. It saved me. And, nothing is ever perfect, but it saved me.

          • Anne says:

            I would love to discuss bio’s with you. You should have my e-mail address so feel free to connect with me that way. I would love to discuss my symptoms and hear how things worked for you.

            I had been considering them for awhile and then when I found out my 80-year old aunt was on them I knew that I had to try it! She is an amazingly active woman!

            I am hoping and praying that I can fix the horrible fatigue (which unfortunately has been going on for over 10 years and is mostly from adrenal burn-out…which is very difficult to treat). If you have had help with that I’d like to know how.

            Like I said, I have lots of other symptoms but shoot me an e-mail and we can gab!

Check out what others are saying...
  1. […] at Road to Joy and I began last week. The original article is HERE. And Pamela’s original one is HERE (Road to Joy) Disclaimer: Most of this post is aimed at women; for you men reading this, apply what is needed […]

  2. […] at Road to Joy and I began last week. To see Pamela’s original challenge, click on this link: HERE. On Twitter, we have the hashmark #30days. For the rest of LBD’s posting on this, see these […]

  3. […] Intimacy = Sharing + Caring + Connecting (Thanks, Dr. Paul Coleman of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Intimacy!) […]

  4. […] at Road to Joy and I began last week. To see Pamela’s original challenge, click on this link: HERE. On Twitter, we have the hashmark #30days. For the rest of LBD’s posting on this, see these […]

  5. […] Intimacy = Sharing + Caring + Connecting (Thanks, Dr. Paul Coleman of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Intimacy!) […]

  6. […] how have YOUR last three weeks been?  I’m hearing from a lot of people whose last three weeks have been pretty amazing. INSERT […]

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